Standing in the hallway of St. Vincent’s Hospital exactly 4 years ago, I thought about many of the things in our lives that were about to change. I did not anticipate that everything would change.
That first night I went to bed alone trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. I woke up several times in the night. I got up long before the sun came up and looked out the window hoping daylight would take some of the darkness from my soul. (more…)
You can’t live joyfully if you blame yourself, and others for that matter, for everything bad that’s happened. Stuff happens and it is incumbent upon us to live beyond the tough stuff.
When Joyce, my wife died I blamed myself at first. I think all of us who have lost someone in an untimely way goes through this to some extent. “What if…?” What if I’d not taken the time to take a shower? What if I hadn’t dropped my shaver and then taken the time to clean up the shavings that fell all over the floor and down into the HVAC vent that morning? What if I’d not slept in the recliner that night, thinking she would rest better? What if I’d called for help sooner?
What if I’d been more forceful with the ER doctor the day before? Maybe I believed him because I didn’t want to insist upon it and pay the co-pay for a needless third MRI, just because she had a run-of-the-mill headache.
What if I had loved God more? What if had a more excellent faith? What if I had prayed more, or better, or differently? What If I’d said different words? What if I’d taken more spiritual authority? What if I had not stolen that little plastic 47 cent figure from G.C. Murphy when I was 13 years old on a dare? What if God had loved me more? What if I had been worthy for God to have loved me more?
Yeah, some of you know the routine. You’ve stood and looked in your bathroom mirror and cursed yourself and called yourself names, because had you been smarter, had you been better, had you been…
What if…?
Its odd how we make things about ourselves. Its actually a little arrogant to assign ourselves a central role in so many of the things that happen in the world.
I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past 4 years. I was given the gift of a looking glass into which I could peer and really see myself. At first I did not like what I saw. This preacher of the love of Jesus for 30+ years, the whole “no condemnation” part — over and over again. Yep, I was that guy. Gradually I started seeing another image in that mirror looking back at me. The transforming image wasn’t a despicable man responsible for losing the most precious gift I had to that point been given; rather, I began to see a familiar face somehow miraculously merging with my own. I began to see Jesus in my face.
I began to identify just a wee little bit with his sufferings. I began to identify just a wee little bit with his compassion and humility. I began to identify, in an infinitesimally small way with the man-Jesus who hung torturously on a cross and looked heavenward into the face of his once dotingly adoring heavenly Father saying, “My God….Why have You forsaken me.
I could not identify with the immensity of His pain, but I could identify with his massive “why.” Our “what ifs” are rooted in our “whys”.
Here are a few related leadership principles that will help you live joyfully and better lead those you love:
You can’t live joyfully if you blame yourself (and others for that matter, which is another post) for everything bad that’s happened. Stuff happens and it is incumbent upon us to live beyond the tough stuff. Admittedly, some things ARE our faults, but the majority of the things for which we blame ourselves are not our fault, and fault isn’t even the main point if we want to heal and move into our purpose.
[shareable text=”You can’t live joyfully if you blame yourself for every bad thing that happens.”]You can’t live joyfully if you blame yourself for every bad thing that happens.[/shareable]
My dad taught me to take responsibility for my actions. own up to my mistakes. Admit you were wrong and move on as best as reality will allow. But as godly leaders, we often take internal responsibility for things that were not ours to control. I could not alter the events of November 17, 2012 (the day of my wife’s passing). They were written in a book before the foundation of the world. That does not mean that I don’t try, it is simply an acknowledgment that I cannot control everything.
You see, you can’t control the actions and decisions of others, nor can you rewrite the consequences of the things you cannot control.
“What if” is a game that must not be played in reverse. Learn to learn from the past. Understand the future in the context of the past. Be stronger, better, and equipped from the things you’ve learned and experienced, but be very cautious with the creation of alternate scenarios, because alternate scenarios lead to alternate realities. We live where we live, reality is reality.
Instead play “what if” forward and positively. What if today I love my wife like it is the last day I will have her with me? What if I apply myself diligently to the revelation I’ve received? What if I live faithfully and trust God’s grace? What if…? What might happen if…? and then live it.
Outcomes emerge from our obedience to God’s directives. I am of the conviction that things and people are only eternally transformed through a God-revelation. I cannot expect to bear great fruit outside my gift, and neither can I position myself to effectiveness contingent upon my earning it.
You can’t create something transformational if you think yourself unworthy of God’s grace. You can’t lead with A profound spiritual horsepower until you’ve been beaten up, probably several times, and learned that you just cannot make it through tough stuff unless you have some help. This fixes both your reliance and sufficiency on God.
I’m going to do my best, but I really can’t change much. I for sure cannot change the things that are behind. I can only learn from them. I can only use them for a context to understand the things to come.
If I can’t change much in my past, then why am I obtuse enough to think I can really orchestrate my future. Oh yeah, I will be disciplined, I will be determined, I will not quit, I will hear the heartbeat of the Father and I will doggedly and obediently pursue his plan, but I play just one instrument and my Father is the conductor. I have to trust that he will give me the right part, the right music, and the will to be tenaciously obedient.
Nothing I did or did not do that day affected the outcome. Sometimes I wish it had so I would understand better. I was along for the ride on a very bad day, but that ride is still taking me to … I’m not sure where, but I choose to position myself to live joyfully, and trust that the destination is a very, very good place.
It is not so much the path upon which we find ourselves that matters, what matters most is how we choose to walk the path. In this we accept the path’s reality, we embrace God’s sovereignty, we rejoice in redemption… and we keep walking out our place in life.
[shareable]It is not so much the path upon which we find ourselves that matters, what matters most is how we choose to walk the path.[/shareable]
What do you do when you have no choice? We give a lot of thought to choosing the right path, but how do you live joyfully when you cannot choose your path?
When we miss a turn our GPS declares it is “recalculating”. When we miss a turn in life, life is not over, we (or God) recalculates our path based upon the best or only route from our present location to our destination. We cannot go back and start over, our life must “recalculate.”
My life has been most affected, not by the times when I had a choice and made the wrong one, but by the times my path and direction changed and I had no choice in the matter. When the single road I was walking turned dark, there were no alternate paths. There were no forks or crossroads. I could “quit” or I could keep going, but another path was not an option.
So, since this is a reality, how then do we joyfully move forward when we’ve been offered no choice?
As I write this we are in a presidential campaign season in which I hear many saying there is no choice with which they are comfortable. To call something godly that is evil is no solution. We lose a piece of our soul when we do it. We may not have the choice we want, but we need to acknowledge our dilemma, call it what it is, and make the best of it.
When we lose a loved one to death it is irreversible. Our lives must “recalculate.” Acceptance of the path is a part of healing. The ignorant platitudes doled out by well-meaning people in attempts to placate my grief did not help. In a progressive way, I had to acknowledge the stinking reality of the situation before I could find wholeness.
Yes, we do have to find ways to come to peace with what has happened, or the stinky choice made for us, but I need to acknowledge the situation as stinky so I can move forward in the reality of the situation. We must eventually overcome denial.
This is where joy enters the equation. Yes, joy. We have committed to living a joyful life. I have spoken much about the decision to believe that good things will happen in the future that would not have happened had the bad stuff had not happened. This is not a Pollyanna-ish declaration. I believe in the sovereignty of God. I believe God has a plan for my life. I believe I’ve messed up His plan more than once, I will probably mess it up again, and that he has recalculated a number of times to take me from where I am to the desired destination.
I will trust God’s sovereignty and keep going with a belief that my path leads me to a place I need to be. I will live joyfully in spite of the stinky stuff, because I do believe and trust in something bigger than myself. Believe me, there have been plenty of times I have figuratively spat in the face of such “happy talk”, but finding my bearings, with my eyes wide open, I can actually see the progression of the path and how it takes me to all the right places.
Here’s the thing… you might be at a place in life where all you can see is the sorry path you’ve been given, that’s okay. Since it is the only path you’ve been given, I encourage you to keep walking, keep going, keep trusting, keep yielding to the “recalculation” of God, and keep your eyes open, because you will find signs along the way that your path is going to actually take you to a good place.
The most painful things I’ve walked through were not my fault. I did nothing to cause them, they were just part of the journey. But, I’ve also walked dark paths that were a mistake brought upon me by poor choices. This is common. We made decisions that led to unintended consequences, and now we have no choice but to walk the path we forged.
And what about compound complex paths? Like walking a path of grief and compounding it with subsequent poor decisions made in the fog. I know what I’m talking about.
Again, “recalculation” is a sovereign act in which we start where we are, work through the stuff, and move toward the desired destination. Redemption is atonement for a mistake or sin. The entire story of God is one of reconciliation and redemption. Without redemption all of us would be irrevocably lost.
When I have no choice but to walk the path I am on, I rejoice in the reality of redemption that redeems that which should have or could have destroyed me, and transforms it into a good thing.
Finally…
The beauty of having no choice is… well… we don’t have to make a choice. Resignation to reality has a way of leading us to a summit that only adversity can offer. Small consolation in the depths of a terrible path, but it is hope for a good place.
Remember, It is not so much the path upon which we find ourselves that matters, what matters most is how we choose to walk the path. In this we accept the path’s reality, we embrace God’s sovereignty, we rejoice in redemption… and we keep walking out our place in life.
I’ve always lacked boldness… that’s a nice way of saying I’m a natural born coward. I care about what others think, this is a strength. I am influenced too much by what others MIGHT think, this is a weakness. Some people think I’m intimidating, I can be, but on the inside I want everyone to be happy and think only happy thoughts about me.
I am at a men’s prayer summit. I’ve decided to write the next few days about what God is speaking to me. I’m a perfectionist, so to just publish on the fly like this is out of my comfort zone, but that’s the point…
God has given you everything you need for life and godliness. He has given you gifts. He has called you with a calling unique to you (2 Peter 1:3).
It is time.
It is time to step into your calling with boldness.
We must challenge each other in the context of our culture, but we must not bow to the culture.
I grew a beard on sabbatical. I liked it. Donna liked it. Being the natural coward I am, as the sabbatical wound down, my thoughts turned to shaving, not because I wanted to, but because of how it might be perceived. “He’s trying to be cool.” He’s going through an emotional crisis.” He’s trying to figure out who he is.” “It looks raggedy.” “I don’t like it.” “It doesn’t look professional.” People really care far less about what we are doing than we think! Getting noticed is far more challenging than anyone focusing on us.
I decided to keep the beard. I kept it because it reminds me of who I am, because it brings me pleasure, and because, oddly enough, I believe it brings God pleasure.
I’ve decided that I’m not a weasel. I’ve decided that God likes me. He thinks I’m cool. I’ve decided that my life was not turned upside down because I’m a worthless worm. The days I walked in that belief were painful days. I don’t know why our worlds got turned upside down, but it is not because God doesn’t like us or that he is out to get us.
[shareable]God actually likes me! Wow![/shareable]
Over the past few years I’ve met and talked to a lot of people who have lost people they love. We never signed up for this ministry, but it surely found us. Most of us who have suffered untimely loss have felt, at least for a few moments, that it was our fault because we were worthless and not worthy of being spared from intense pain.
Before we can move forward we have to find a boldness. A boldness to stand. A boldness to be. A boldness to embrace the path and what’s ahead.
[shareable]We must have boldness to move forward. A boldness to stand. A boldness to be. A boldness to embrace the path and what’s ahead. [/shareable]
I am UNAPOLOGETICALLY who I am.
I am UNAPOLOGETICALLY David Delp. The good, the bad, the ugly, the crap, the wonderful things… but this one thing I know. My Daddy, Abba, loves me. He adores me. He dotes over me. He has called me to live in his presence. He has called me to hear his heartbeat. He has given me the privilege of listening to his very heartbeat. He has allowed me close enough to hear. To feel his warmth. To smell the aroma of his very presence.
I will UNAPOLOGETICALLY follow the demands and directions he gives me.
I will UNAPOLOGETICALLY go where he wants me to go. I will ask for the resources to do so, both of my Father and of those who are holding on to his wealth.
I will UNAPOLOGETICALLY write what he puts on my heart. I will UNAPOLOGETICALLY say what he wants said. I will UNAPOLOGETICALLY go where he wants me to go. I will UNAPOLOGETICALLY be who he wants me to be.
One of the keys to loving the “twists” in life is embracing their divine nature. Besides, most of the good things in life come from the “twists” in life’s road.
Deo Volente,” it is a Latin phrase meaning “God willing.” A century ago, it was common to include the initials D.V. at the bottom of a letter or invitation. The initials qualified the contents of the letter, indicating plans based upon and subservient to God’s will (James 4).
My Granny was a wiry old woman. In the middle of the Great Depression, at the age of 35, with no means of supporting herself and her four children, she buried my granddad who died in an accident as a West Virginia coal miner. They were married 17 years. She never remarried, probably never even thought about it.
To my recollection, Granny never stated her future intention, be it about going to the grocery store, sweeping the floor, or preparing a meal, without adding the phrase, “Lord willing I am going to….” “Lord willing, I’m going to make a banana pudding.” I was always certain the banana pudding was God’s will! As an ignorant theology student in college, I sometimes said to her, “Granny, it is not necessary to add ‘Lord willing’ to every statement, God doesn’t care if you make a pudding.” She was never deterred.
Now I get it.
Walking through life’s difficulties, there are days I’d like to chat with Granny. I would like to hear from her in my present context of understanding. I’d like to know what God taught her as a young mother, alone in the middle of the Great Depression. Granny somehow learned to resign herself to the will of her God and, with all of her heart and sincerity, to faithfully trust. And it was proven, her trust was not misplaced.
Now, my friends sometimes chide me for saying, “Lord willing.” They sometimes jokingly add, “and if the creek don’t rise.” I don’t care so much about rising creeks, but I do want to acknowledge God’s rightful prerogative to intervene in my plans. Sometimes I add “DV” to the bottom of communications. Deo Volente, if God wills it.
Here are five thoughts about embracing the will of God:
Don’t just sit around and wait for the “will of God” to hit you in the face. Use the gifts, insights, and discernment God has given you to boldly pursue the divine future you see. Sincerely acknowledge “Deo Volente,” because reality often ends up different than imagined, but have confidence that God’s progression will bring you to a good place. Otherwise our inactivity bring paralysis.
When things turn out contrary to the way you imagined, embrace “Deo Volente”. When things turn out contrary to your plans, if I have not allowed for variances, if I have not allowed for “Deo Volente,” you will get body-slammed. Denial is a normal part of grief, and it takes many forms, but we eventually realize denial does not change reality.
When you lay plans, acknowledge “Deo Volente.” Oddly enough, when you acknowledge such from the outset, it is easier to recognize and joyfully embrace twists in your road. The greatest joys come from the “twists.” Twists may be devastating, but more often, they are incredible blessings.
[shareable]The greatest joys come from the ‘twists’ in our journey. Twists may be devastating, but more often, they are incredible blessings.[/shareable]
Why do some Christians think it a lack of faith to acknowledge present reality? God is bigger than our reality, he can change present reality, but reality is still reality. Responsibly face the things that are. Faith speaks into existence things that are not. Speak to the desired reality while acknowledging present reality. Prayer is seeking God’s will on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6).
[shareable]God is bigger than our reality, he can change present reality, but reality is still reality.[/shareable]
I say, “Lord willing,” “Deo Volente,” “DV,” because if I make a stupid or uninformed plan, I WANT God to intervene and help me discover a better path. It takes trust, self-denial, and a bit of “crucifixion,” but His plan is always better in the end. I want God’s path, even when it looks like a path I’d rather not take.
Such is the faith taught me by a wiry little West Virginia woman who weighed less than 100 pounds, always wore her hair in a tight bun on the back of her head, who navigated losses and disappointments that I have only begun to understand.
Deo Volente. God willing.
